twenny twenny wrap up

this’ll be a bit stream of conscious, so I hope you can roll with me.

i battled with myself about whether or not i wanted to do an end of year wrap up mainly because i have worked very hard to stifle many parts of this year from my memory. i thought about doing it in video form but i look like brother shaquille sunflower by the head and i’d rather not subject y’all to that, so instead you get the words. a behind the curtain look at how all of the projects i released this year came to fruition and my hopes for the year that’s on the horizon. but before we get there, we first must revisit 2019 also known as the year in which i decided to go full-time as an author. it was a decision made with much fear, but also a heaping spoonful of faith.

i knew that my first release of 2020 would be my 20th project and i was very excited for it to be The Restart. Miss Blair was one of my favorite heroines to write because she was really unfiltered. her story’s trajectory took a turn and gave me the fits while it was unfolding, but all in all i was very proud of where it all ended up. and then i decided that I wouldn’t dither and get Parker’s story out immediately after. and baby, when i tell y’all these characters direct the flow and not the girl? believe it. Parker went mums the word onna bitch QUICK. and then Chenoa popped up like “hey, i got a lil freaky sneaky tale you can share with the masses” and thus y’all got A Dirty Valentine and the birth of the Falls Sexy Holiday Shorts Series.

a twitter friend suggested i take time to write a st. paddy’s day story and since that holiday holds a special place in my heart, A Good Luck F*ck happened. and while i was writing AGLF…a fucking pandemic happened.

& as writers are wont to do, a group of writer friends and i collaborated on a group of stories that faced the ideas of the pandemic and quarantine head on. not to make a quick buck or make light of a serious situation, but in order to channel our anxiousness (in my case, anyway) into the one place where we can always make the world make sense. the luminous cruise chronicles featured stories by AshleyNicole, Chencia C. Higgins, D. Rose, Diana W, Honesty Price, T. Key, Turtleberry, & me. My story, Love Under Quarantine , was supposed to come out near the beginning of the releases, but shortly before we were set to launch my father was rushed to the hospital and there for days - thankfully nonCOVID related - but no less scary since because of protocols we couldn’t lay eyes on him beyond a phone’s screen. as such i feel the stain of my utter panic and anxiety all over that tale, but collaborating with those ladies was a fun ride, one of the year’s highlights for sure. :)

you know how we all thought on/near 3/13/20, “oh we’ll be locked down for a couple weeks then it’ll be business as usual?” lmfao. all of the cool shit i had planned for the year? all of the ways i thought i would be able to expand my brand and ascend in my career? poof. gone. i didn’t adjust well, but made do with what i had available to me.

through it all, i kept writing. if you’ve seen the broadway musical hamilton, you’ll know that his relationship with writing was categorized as an almost pathological act. and i felt that shit. i needed the normalcy of opening up microsoft word and then listening to the characters. it wasn’t always the things i wanted, needed, or expected, but i turned to the words for solace. through my absolute frenzied thoughts in the beginning stages of the pandemmy i was able to release what was my favorite release of mine this year, release some tension. the story came to me while listening to the swv album of the same name that’s a smooth like twenty-three years old. Ayumi’s trajectory was singing loud and proud to me through those lyrics though, so i hunkered down to see what i could see.

i tried going back to Parker and Kelly’s story in June and July. they kept telling me to fuck off. I was an unhappy camper, but then DJ sauntered her ass onto the scene and was like “ok sis, i know you’ve always wanted to write a book inspired by your fave, so saddle up, bitch!” the pleasure principle took me on a ride. what i thought it would be and what it ended up being were two separate circles; instead of a venn diagram. but DJ’s journey was something really special that i hoped readers could follow, maybe relate to in some ways, and perhaps pick up a gem or two along the way. unfortunately, i’d never know since i also doubled down on my resolution not to read reviews.

i’ve been beat over the head with the messaging that reviews are for readers and not authors, so i try to stay in a child’s place and eschew reading any that are not placed upon my doorstep via tagging on the various socials or what have you. every now and again, i give in and take a peek at reviews and undoubtedly see one that makes me wonder what the hell i am even doing. it’s wild that the dissonant voices always ring the loudest, right?

after DJ came another word drought til mickey and vic decided to stop playing and come with it in bounce back. i gotta say…i am a little disappointed at how disconnected folks seemed to be from that book, but it’s my own doing really. because yes it was a romance, but it wasn’t just a romance for me as writing about Micaiah’s professional trajectory was equally as important to me as her reconnection with Victor, but apparently I was too hyperfocused on that and fell short on accurately portraying the kinetic energy between my leads. i can eat that, but i also wrote the fuck out of that book, so there is also that. LMFAO.

and apparently all it took was Victor having a kid for Parker and Kelly to trust me because they legit started yelling almost immediately after i typed the end on bounce back. the recovery fka the sweet spot was probably my second favorite book to write this year just because of the FUN i had with parker and the stewards. not to say that i don’t have fun during my writing process all the time, coz i do, but this one hit different.

and i think it’s because they taught me my biggest lesson of this year. which is i don’t own these characters, they own me. they may pop in and say hi, but that doesn’t mean they’re ready to sit down in the red table of my mind and unload the intricacies of their lives quite yet. and as much as i think i know what they got going on, i really don’t know a damned thing until they’re ready for me to know it all. this year also caused me to interrogate my writing rituals and approach to what is achievement wrt to writing. i couldn’t get far in any project if there was no point (to me). as soon as i found the point was when the words started bubbling over.

which takes us to my thanksgiving short (which i knew would be my final contribution to the holiday shorts series) that i’m certain folks that would be a bit sexier considering its predecessors and girl me too. but instead, a feast for the senses saw a sneak peek into the beginning of Ant & Ari’s ceding to the undeniable power of love. were i given more from them, it would have been longer, but alas they just wanted to give us a taste.

which was another lesson learned this year. i can’t control how much these folks give me no matter how hard i try. it was something i learned with bounce back especially as i fell short of a self-imposed minimum that the title needed to hit & they were like “nah sis this all we got, be #blest”.

my final release of the year, eight naughty nights, was honestly me just letting go and having some fun. i legit went into it with the mind frame “no strict plot, just vibes” and baby, octavia and lance showed up like “oh no worries, mama. we just finna fuck our way until some thangs jump off”. i ain’t gonna front like i was mad about it because (whispering) sex is one of the most fun parts to write, but of course i wonder how many people will write it off as unrealistic instalove whatever.

which…well, we won’t even get into that.

at top of 2020 i declared my word for this year to be “bag”. as in i would get in and stay in my bag, writing my ass off and hopefully introducing y’all to characters, plots, and experiences that were enjoyable. despite the pandemmy trying to convince me that i hadn’t done just that, i think that i’ve done a good enough job of hunkering in my bag this year. i leave 2020 with a sense of unsteadiness. i haven’t the slightest what 2021 will bring (don’t have a word in mind for it quite yet), but i can only hope for abundance and a real live settling into my current occupation in more fulfilling ways.

whew okay this is long as hell. so i’m out til the new year. may you and yours stay safe, secure, and well-hydrated. *gently sets mic down*