#samplesunday: pick an envelope

work in progress. no release date in mind ,so don’t ask. unedited, so don’t trip on typos. Meet Kailene…

***

“You’re not still mad at me, are you? It was an honest mistake,” my cousin Tina said, standing at my front door looking completely pitiful as she clutched a handful of bags, “You don’t even hold grudges. You said they give you wrinkles in Kai’s Korner a couple months ago…so I know you’re not mad.”

It had been a week since I’d asked Tina to get my personal ad into the paper and she got it in there all right. Instead of it being just a plain text ad wedged between someone selling a used piano and someone else looking to give puppies up for adoption, it was a four by six-inch full color ad—with an accompanying picture. I’d never been so mortified in my life, when I grabbed a copy of the paper to ensure they’d gotten my ad right and came across my face splayed through the pages of the Gazette.

“Dogs go mad, people get angry,” I replied, leaving the door open as I turned on a heel and left Tina standing at the front entrance of my townhome.

“You didn’t slam the door in my face either, so you definitely can’t be ma—angry,” Tina continued, following me into my living room and sitting on the couch a little too close for comfort, “You can’t ignore me forever, Kailene Michelle. I apologized like fifteen times. I even got Jacques to call you and apologize!”

“I just wanna know where the hell y’all even got a picture to put with the ad, Tee? All I sent you was a text. With words. Dassit!” I exclaimed, shoving her lightly away from me before I turned and pulled my legs up under me as I faced her on the couch.

“I asked Jacques where in the hell he got a photo and he claimed that he googled and that was one that came up where he thought you looked nice. He thought the lack of a photo was an oversight and you wanted the same kind of ad that you’d run in the paper before. Bright side,” Tina said, holding up one finger, “he didn’t charge you after realizing his mistake though!”

“You’re damn right he wasn’t gonna charge me for embarrassing the hell out of me in front of the whole damn town,” I groused.

“Well technically our circulation is only about forty-three percent of the town’s popul…” Tina started, but quickly amended when she saw the murderous look that I was sure was etched across my features right now, “Well…ok, you know what? Not important. Yes, embarrassed in front of whole town. Again, super mega sorry. For that. Our bad.”

“Hell yeah, it’s y’all bad. Would you like it if I made a mock-up of a wanted poster with your photo on it and plastered it all over town? Because y’all might as well had done that!”

“Whew, you are truly your mother’s daughter,” Tina mumbled under her breath, “I mean…how’s the response so far? Any luck?”

I flung my hands toward the table in front of where we sat toward the mounds of envelopes that were stacked on it. Tina’s expression brightened, “This looks like a good twenty, thirty replies. That’s an amazing response for a week’s time!”

“Gon ahead pick one up and read it, sister-cousin,” I said, gesturing toward the pile again, “Pick an envelope, any envelope…”

“Oh boy,” she said, before picking up an envelope and investigating its contents, “Is this a flash drive?”

“Yes! Between half of these folks thinking I’m looking for a music producer who can catapult my aspiring rap career to success and the other half being old ass grandpas tryna shoot their geriatric game…this was a horrible idea. Why would you agree to use up one of your favors with Jacques for this? Why didn’t you talk me out of this supremely stupid idea? I thought you always had my back, Tee!” I whined, dramatically falling back onto the couch and throwing my arm over my eyes.

“Nope,” Tina said, pulling me back upright, “You’re not putting this off one me, Kai! I tried to warn you, but your obstinate ass refused to listen to reason. You were hell bent on getting this ad in the paper. Going analog to find your woodland creature bae, or whatever the hell, who only read the paper by moonlight every third day. Now, we might have messed up the delivery of the ad, but the actual insistence and initial placement of the ad in the paper. Oh no baby girl that was all you. You brought this response on yourself. Period.”

“Wow, who ordered logic?” I said, waving a hand frantically in the air, “Waiter…I didn’t order the logic tonight.”

Tina shook her head laughing at me, “Of all these replies, there is nothing good? Not one kinda sorta solid lead? I can’t believe you went complete goose egg, cuzzo. I refuse.”

“Well, there was one kinda sorta interesting reply,” I said, rifling through the mess until I found the envelope that had just arrived today.